


To Save A Life

by Stories_can_make_us_fly



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 3x15, Angst with a Happy Ending, Buck Centric, Character Death, Death, Depressed Evan "Buck" Buckley, Episode Related, Grief, Loss, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24352603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stories_can_make_us_fly/pseuds/Stories_can_make_us_fly
Summary: Eddie dies while rescuing the kid that fell into the well and Buck's whole world falls apart.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 44
Kudos: 230





	To Save A Life

**Author's Note:**

> My first story in this fandom and it. Broke. Me! I started crying multiple times while writing this, and I mean full on sobbing, and I couldn’t stop writing until I was done. Even when I took a break my mind kept thinking about what to write next and how to write it.  
> But it’s finished now and I really like how it turned out and I hope you like it, too!
> 
> There’s some Spanish in here and seeing as I don’t speak a lick of Spanish, it’s a combination of what Google, online dictionaries and my best friend (who doesn’t speak Spanish either) came up with. So please let me know when something is wrong and I’ll gladly fix it.

**To Save A Life**

  
  


Lightning strikes and Buck's world ends.

He pushes Bobby out of the way on instinct. They are both lying on the ground, fire and rain coming down around them. Only then does Buck's brain catch up with what's happening.

"EDDIE!"

He's crawling forward before he knows it, digging and clawing at the mud, his screams hurting is throat. But he doesn't care. Keeps digging with his bare hands until Bobby grabs him and drags him away.

"Buck! Get up!"

Buck fights him, screams at him. They need to get Eddie out.

Bobby uses all of his strength to wrestle Buck away.

"Buck! Listen to me! We need a plan, okay? You're not helping him when you panic."

That manages to get through Buck's all encompassing fear and he stops fighting.

  
  


"You all think he's dead!"

Buck stares at them as the horrible realization settles in. They think Eddie is dead!

"No one thinks that!" Bobby says with an intensity that makes Buck believe him. Not least of all because he needs his teammates to believe it, so that he doesn't lose his goddamn mind.

"We just don't know how to get him out," Chim says.

"Nobody is giving up on him. Nobody. We're gonna find him," Hen adds.

Buck tries to hold on to her words and repeats them in his head like a mantra. They have to find him. The alternative would be unbearable.

Buck stands between firefighters and police officers and listens to Bobby speak. He's prepared to move heaven and earth to find Eddie, but he can't help the tiny vicious voice in his head telling him that it's too late. That there is no way that they'll find him in time.

Oh, how he wishes that Eddie would just push his way through the crowd right about now and end this nightmare. But he doesn't and Buck clings to the last pieces of hope he has left. Everything is gonna be okay.

It just has to be!

Fanning out, they search every nook and cranny for a sign of Eddie.

  
  


They find his body in the morning.

In a pond that is nowhere near the hole Eddie had vanished into only a few hours ago.

Buck is the one to spot him first, because fate is a cruel bitch.

The raw scream that tears from his throat doesn't even register with his mind as he breaks into a run. Water splashes around him, soaking his already wet clothes.

"Eddie!"

He reaches his best friend, grabs him, pulls him towards him. And recoils in horror a second later.

Eddie's sightless eyes stare into the morning sky as his dead body floats peacefully in the water.

"No, no, no, no, no! Please, no!"

Sobbing, Buck grabs Eddie again. They don't make it all the way out of the water before Buck collapses to the ground. Sitting between the reeds in the shallow water of the pond, Buck cradles his best friend in his arms and holds him close.

Crying silently, he rocks back and forth as he whispers into Eddie's wet hair, "Please wake up. Please! You can't leave me!"

Over and over again.

He doesn't know how long they sit together like that. Everything around them has gone quiet and Buck hears nothing beside a few birds cawing in the distance. He keeps whispering into Eddie's ear, willing him to wake up, to come back to him.

"Buck."

Hen's soft voice breaks through the quietness surrounding them. She lays a gentle hand on his shoulder. Buck doesn't let go of Eddie, doesn't even turn around to look at her.

"He's dead, Hen. We were too late. _I_ was too late. He's dead."

As soon as the words leave his mouth it's a punch in the gut. Up until now it all seemed unreal, that maybe this was just a horrible, horrible nightmare. But saying it out loud, hearing it from his own lips, makes it real. Makes it so painfully real that Buck doesn't know what to do with the pain that pierces through his body and rips his heart into shreds. With an anguished cry he presses his face into the crook of Eddie's neck as his body is overtaken by his sobs.

It's deathly quiet when they pull back into the station. The shock sits deep in their bones and no one seems to be able to grasp the reality of what has happened. That they have just lost one of their team members. A friend. A part of their family.

Buck doesn't pay attention to anyone. Doesn't hear Hen's silent sniffles, doesn't see Chim's red rimmed eyes, takes no notice of Bobby's pale face.

He feels like a puppet. Someone is pulling his strings. Making him go through the motions. Getting out of the truck. Stripping the mud caked clothes. Getting in the shower. None of it happens with any conscious effort on his part.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows that his shift isn't over. That he still has a couple of hours to go before he can crawl under the covers of his bed and forget about a world where Eddie Diaz is no longer alive.

He makes it halfway to his truck when Bobby calls out to him.

"Buck!"

He turns around, waits for Bobby to catch up to him.

"Where are you going?"

On any other day Buck would have seen the worry in his captain's eyes. Would have noticed how the grief has already deepened the lines on his face. But today isn't any other day.

"To Abuela's. Someone needs to tell her about...about Eddie."

He stumbles over the words. Feels like he's tripping. It's too much. Will always be too much.

"You don't have to do that. Someone else can..."

"No!"

It has to be him. He has to do this.

For Eddie.

Something in his voice shuts Bobby up. He just nods and says, "Talk to someone. Or don't talk. Just don't be alone today, okay?"

Buck hums in agreement without meaning it and drives away.

It's still early in the morning when Buck stops his truck in front of Abuela's house. His arms resting on the steering wheel, he stares at the front door and imagines what is going on inside. Abuela puttering in the kitchen, making huevos rancheros for breakfast. Chris still sleeping in the bed in the guest room that has long become his room and his bed. Both of them are blissfully unaware of the devastation that Buck is about to bring down on their lives.

It takes him an hour to get out of the car.

He knocks, waits. There is muffled music playing inside and faint voices wafting through the wooden door.

Abuela opens, smiles as she sees him.

"Buckito! Qué gusto me da verte. Is Edmundo relying on you again to help him out?" ["It's so nice to see you."]

She chuckles and Buck feels his eyes burning with tears.

"No, he...he..."

The tears fall and Abuela clutches at her chest in shock as she finally understands why Buck is here and not her grandson.

"No! Dios mío! ¿Por qué?" ["My God! Why?"]

She bursts into tears and a string of Spanish comes rushing out of her mouth that Buck can't understand. He wants to offer his comfort, but doesn't know how when he himself is so desperate for someone to lean on.

The clicking of Christopher's crutches reminds him that the hardest part lies still before him and he wants nothing more than to turn around and run away. How can he tell Chris that his father is dead? How can he look him in the eyes and explain to him that he failed to save his Dad?

"Buck!"

Chris is as excited as always to see him and for the first time ever Buck doesn't feel the same. He desperately tries to blink the tears away as he crouches down in front of the little boy. He needs to be strong for Chris.

"Hey, buddy," is all he manages before he chokes on a sob.

Chris' smile turns into a frown. Looking between his Buck and his Abuela, the frown deepens and he asks, "Where is Dad?"

"I'm so sorry, Chris. Your Dad's...not coming home. He tried, he really tried. He fought so hard to come home to you."

The words are acid on his tongue.

Chris stares at him with wide eyes. He opens his mouth a couple of times and Buck is forced to watch as it slowly dawns on Christopher what has happened to his Dad. Tears fill his eyes and his little face squinches up in pain.

Buck can't watch it anymore and pulls him into his arms.

"I'm sorry, Chris. I'm so, so sorry! I tried to save him. I really tried. I'm sorry," he repeats over and over again while Chris cries into his shoulder and calls out for his Dad.

  
  


The funeral is in Texas. On a Tuesday.

It hadn't occurred to Buck that Eddie's parents would bury him in El Paso instead of L. A. until he had held the funeral notification in his hands.

He had screamed at Maddie about it.

"They can't do that! They can't take him away from me! They can't!"

Maddie had just pulled him into her arms.

"He's their son, Buck. They want him home."

Home? Home was here, in L. A. With Buck and Chris and Abuela and the 118.

A part of him had wanted to fight for that. To have the little that was still left of Eddie near him. But in the end – what did it matter? Eddie was dead and Buck is alone.

He sits in an uncomfortable wooden chair in his dress blues and watches everything flow around him. The cemetery is packed. There's an honor guard from the Army and the LAFD. Friends and family fill the rows upon rows of chairs. People around him are crying. Buck just sits there. In the last month he cried so much, he has no tears left in him. A numbness has settled deep inside him that he doubts he's ever going to shake again.

The priest gets up and the service starts.

Buck holds back a snort. Eddie wasn't religious. He would have given a rat's ass about a proper catholic burial. But Buck knows it's important to Abuela and Eddie's parents, so he holds his tongue.

After the priest Eddie's father gets up.

Buck listens as he talks. About his son, the hero. The soldier, who fought for this country. The firefighter, who died for its people. Buck knows all of this already. Knows that Eddie always tried to do right by others. That he was kind, loyal, brave, and funny. That he was a loving father, a devoted friend, a good person. Knows that he always put other people first, especially his family and those he loved. Buck knows that Eddie was a hero. And yet, he wishes that he wasn't. With every fiber of his being Buck wishes that Eddie had been a bit less of a hero. Maybe he would still be alive then.

"I certainly made some mistakes and I should have done a lot of things differently, but when I look around today and see all these people here and when I think of what my son has accomplished in his life, then I know that I wasn't a failure as a father."

Eddie's father turns and lays a hand on the casket that Buck has been studiously ignoring for the last hour.

"I love you, mi hijo, and your mother and I are so proud of you!"

His voice breaks at the end and he loses the fight to his tears. He walks back to his seat in the first row, where he hugs Eddie's sobbing mother and kisses Christopher on the head.

Buck averts his eyes. Looking at Chris hurts. He's going to stay in El Paso with his grandparents from now on. Another thing Buck hadn't realized until Chris had told him himself last week.

There seems to be some commotion at the front, pulling Buck out of his head and away from the memory of a crying Chris, asking him if he would still be his Buck even if they weren't living in the same city anymore.

People turn their head around, waiting.

"What's going on?" Buck asks Bobby beside him, the most he has spoken all day.

"I think Eddie's mother wanted to say something, too, but she doesn't seem able to, so they're skipping it," Athena provides from Bobby's other side.

"You want to go up?"

Buck stares at Bobby in horror.

"Me?"

"They said they wanted some of Eddie's friends to speak." Bobby's voice goes soft as he continues. "You don't have to say anything, Buck, if you don't want to. It's completely up to you."

Buck swallows, tries to get rid of the lump in his throat. He can't! He can't get up there, stand beside Eddie's casket and talk about what Eddie means to him. What it means to lose him. He can't! And yet, when he thinks about saying nothing, about missing the chance to say goodbye to his best friend. That feeling is even worse.

So he gets up, walks to stand in front of a sea of people, most of which he has never seen before. This is not about them, though. This is about him. About Eddie. To be close to his best friend for the last time in his life.

He looks at the photograph of Eddie put up next to the casket. Laughing into the camera in a way that is so purely Eddie. Buck needs to close his eyes for a second to gather all the strength he has left in his body. When he starts to speak, his eyes stay firmly trained on the photo.

"When I met Eddie, I didn't think we needed someone like him in the team. I didn't like how at ease he was, how easily he fit in. I was pretty jealous of him, I'm not ashamed to admit that. He seemed so sure of everything he did, so comfortable in his own skin. Never doubting what he had to do to get the job done. It drove me crazy. That jealousy didn't even last til the end of our first shift together. Pulling a live grenade out of someone's leg puts certain things into perspective. So, yeah, I didn't think we needed him in our team. Couple of hours later I knew the opposite was true. Took me a little while longer to realize how much _I_ needed Eddie in my life. I can't even begin to describe what he gave me. He became my best friend, my family, the one person I could always rely on to have my back. He understood me without words, he called me out on my bullshit, and he wasn't mad when I did the same. He trusted me with the single most important person in his life. His son. Chris is the best kid and despite Eddie often doubting himself I know that Chris couldn't have had a better father. You raised an amazing kid, Eddie, and because of you, he is growing up to become the best person. And I am so sorry that you're not here to see it for yourself, but please trust me one last time when I say that I will look out for him and he won't feel alone for one second in his life. And I will tell him about his amazing Dad every single day for the rest of my life. We will take care of Chris for you. You can rest in peace now, Eddie. "

Buck barely gets the last words out before his grief overwhelms him and tears he thought he didn't have anymore blur his vision. Bobby and Athena and Hen and Chimney and Maddie are waiting for him and he all but collapses into their arms. Chris comes over on his crutches and Buck scoops him up into his arms, crying with him for what they both have lost.

By the time Buck gets back to L. A. he feels ten years older.

He stands in his apartment and even though he had only been gone for a week it doesn't feel like home anymore. Eddie is gone – forever – and Chris is gone, too, to live with his grandparents. Saying goodbye to Chris had been the second hardest thing he ever had to do in his life. Would have been the hardest if he hadn't buried his best friend just the day before.

Not knowing what else to do, he starts unpacking the few things he had taken with him to Texas. He probably should bring his dress blues to the dry cleaners, but he can't stand to look at them for a second longer and stuffs them into the far corner of his closet. There is not much to do after that. Without thinking, he pulls out his phone, about to sent a text to Eddie asking what they are up to when a sharp pain in his chest reminds him that he won't be getting an answer. Eddie is dead. Because Buck couldn't save him. Letting out a guttural cry, he hurls his phone across the room and against the wall where it shatters into pieces.

A week later Buck comes back to work.

Bobby had insisted that he take some time off and, surprisingly, Buck hadn't objected, despite thinking that it wouldn't make much of a difference if he stayed home for a few days or not and now that he's back he knows that for a fact. He feels the same way he felt a week ago. The same way he felt at the funeral. The same way he felt when he held Eddie's dead body in his arms.

"Morning, Buck," Hen greets him tentatively.

"Morning."

There is no hint of cheerfulness, no sign of his former carefree self in his voice. Buck doesn't even try to pretend that he is okay. Doubts that he ever will be again.

He does his job. He runs into burning buildings, climbs up unstable structures, cuts people out of their totaled cars. He saves lives, prevents families from being ripped apart by tragedy. He does all that without complaint, but also without enthusiasm, without the joy and pride it had brought him before. Once, his job had meant everything to him. Now it's just that. A job.

  
  


One day as they come back from a call Abuela waits for him in the firehouse kitchen.

"Buckito! ¿Cómo estás? You haven't called," she says as she hugs him. ["How are you?"]

"Sorry, Abuela. Been busy with work."

"¡Quita!" she scolds him, but doesn't say anything further. ["Nonsense!"]

Buck is grateful for that and asks, "How have you been? How is Chris?"

She avoids his first question and only says, "You know that better than me. He tells me that you call him every day."

Buck shrugs like it is nothing.

"I promised Eddie that I would be there for Chris."

Abuela smiles sadly at him and softly caresses his cheek.

"Oh, Buckito, eres un tesero! If only God hadn't decided to take Edmundo with him, what you two could have become." ["You are a treasure!"]

That hits a little too close to home and Buck takes a step back, clearing his throat.

"Do you need something? You can always call me if you do, Abuela, you know that."

"¡Por supuesto que se! Why don't we sit down, Buckito?" she asks and gently pulls him towards the table. ["Of course I know that!"]

Buck gets scared.

"What is it, Abuela?"

She takes his hand. It looks bigger as it really is in her small and wrinkly hands.

"Helena and Ramon are selling the house, Buckito. They have no use for it."

"The house?" Buck echoes, because he doesn't understand. Until he does. Eddie's house. They are selling Eddie's house. A new family will move in there and another part of Eddie will be erased. Surprising himself, Buck bursts into tears.

"Oh, Buckito!" Abuela says and pulls him into her arms. "No llores. It's just a house, made of brick and wood. It doesn't take any of your memories away. You will always have those, no matter what." ["Don't cry."]

Logically, Buck knows that. Doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. Abuela holds him until his tears subside.

"Sorry," he mumbles and pulls back, rubbing at his face with his sleeve.

"¡Chitón! Don't apologize!" ["Shush!"]

She's looking at him the same way Eddie always did when he thought Buck was being stupid.

Feeling the tears coming up again, Buck opens his mouth to change the subject, but Abuela beats him to it.

"There is something else, Buckito."

She reaches into her handbag and pulls out a flash drive.

"What's that?" Buck asks and is about to pick it up when Abuela says, "We found this in Edmundo's things. He recorded videos for everyone in case something happened to him. Yours is on here."

Buck snatches his hand back like he had been burned.

Wide-eyed he stares at Abuela.

"I don't want to see that!"

She smiles sadly at him and pets his hand.

"You don't have to. But you should have it. Maybe someday you want to see it."

Buck won't. Not ever.

Buck opens the door with his key. He still has one, is not going to return it either.

It's dark inside, but he doesn't turn on the lights. He knows the layout like the back of his hand.

The house is empty. The furniture is gone, the walls are painted. Nothing is left of Eddie's and Christopher's life here. Everything that made it theirs, that made it a home, is gone. It's a blank canvas and Buck hates it.

He walks through the house. Looks into Christopher's room. Stands in Eddie's bedroom for a long time. Stares at the stove and countertops in the kitchens. He waits for all the happy memories he has of this place to feel comforting. Time heals all wounds, right? It doesn't. It hurts. Nearly two months later it still fucking hurts so much.

Buck goes into the living room, sits on the hard wood floor. Putting his laptop down in front of him, he opens the bottle of tequila he brought with him. He hates tequila. Doesn't like the taste, the smell, the headache he gets from it. But Eddie liked it and Buck feels close to him when he drinks it. Like they're drinking it together.

"Here's to you, buddy," he raises the bottle to the emptiness around him and takes a swig. It burns on his tongue.

"Should've brought lime and salt," he mumbles to himself.

In his ear he hears Eddie's voice, "Why would you ruin a perfectly good drink? You drink it neat or not at all."

"Happy to drink it neat for the rest of my life, if you're drinking it with me," Buck responds.

His inner Eddie smiles sadly at him.

"Sorry, no can do."

"Yeah, thought as much."

Buck chuckles through the tears that have gathered in his eyes and says to the ceiling, "Good God, Eddie! I'm so messed up. I'm sitting in your house that is not yours anymore and talk to a dead person. You would be laughing at me if you where here."

He wouldn't. He would give him a hug and tell him that everything is gonna be okay.

"You know," Buck says after a while, "it would be really great if you could just stop being dead."

The silence around him is deafening.

Buck takes another swig from the bottle before he leans forward and opens his laptop.

The file with Eddie's video message stares back at him. It's been a week since Abuela came to the station. A week since the flash drive started to burn a hole into his pocket. He still doesn't think that he has the strength to hear what Eddie has to say to him, but he feels so fucking lonely. He wants to hear his voice again, pretend for a second that he's alive. Even if it's going to break him completely.

Before he can change his mind he presses play and the video starts.

It takes a moment to load, then the living room he is sitting in comes into focus.

Eddie looks at him from the couch that used to stand just opposite of Buck.

"Hey, Buck," Eddie says and smiles and Buck wants to scream.

"If you're seeing this, then I guess I didn't make it. I don't know what it was, obviously, but I hope it wasn't meaningless."

"Sure as hell wasn't," Buck mumbles. "Saved a kid." And Buck knows that would make Eddie happy.

"I'm sorry I left. And I know that you're beating yourself up about not being able to save me or some bullshit. It's not your fault. In our line of work, it happens. It's part of the job."

Even from beyond the grave Eddie proves that he knows Buck better than anyone. _Knew_ him better than anyone. Buck blinks the tears away as Eddie continues.

"I'm not asking you to take care of Chris, because I know you will. I would never have been able to do my job, if I hadn't known that you'd be there for him when I'm gone. You're the best man I've ever known, Buck, and I trust you with my life. And I know in my heart that my kid will be okay, because he has you. You're strong, Buck. Stronger than anyone I know and that is why I know that you will get through this. You will get over my death and have a happy and long life. And one day, you'll meet someone who loves you the way you deserve and you'll marry and have a bunch of children with her."

Buck chokes back a sob and misses the look on Eddie's face as he says this.

"I'm so lucky that you're in my life. I don't know what I would've done if it weren't for you. You and Chris are the most important people in my life. And I'll be forever grateful that fate or whatever led me to you. I couldn't have asked for a better friend."

Buck's heart constricts in his chest. He curls in on himself and pulls at his hair until it hurts.

"Don't leave me, Eddie. Please!" he whispers against his pulled up knees.

The Eddie on the screen doesn't hear him and the silence makes Buck think that the video ended.

But then he hears Eddie clear his throat and he looks up again.

Eddie rubs at his neck, wrings his hands. He's nervous. Why is he nervous?

Involuntarily, Buck leans closer. Wants to reach out. He listens with rapid attention as Eddie starts talking again.

"You know, when they gave me the Silver Star I didn't feel like a hero. I didn't feel like I deserved it. Still don't. What was so heroic about it anyway? I had half a mind to refuse it, but my parents were so proud I didn't wanna take that from them. So I let them think that I was proud, too. That I felt like I had done something good. That I am some kind of hero. When in reality, I feel like I'm the biggest coward in the world. I ran away to the Army when my wife and my son needed me. I wanted to dig myself into the sand when the helicopter crashed and wait for someone to save me. I almost ruined my son's life when I got into that stupid street fighting. And I never found the courage to tell you how I really feel."

Eddie takes a deep breathes and stares at his hands before lifting his head again. Buck's heart is pounding loudly in his ears.

"I was always afraid that it would ruin our friendship. That it was not worth risking what we had. And I'm sorry I have to dump this on you when I'm not there anymore. But the thought that I died and you don't know how I feel about you, you who practically knows everything about me, is killing me. In another life things might have been different. Then maybe I would have been the one you married and have kids and grandkids with. But in this life and in this moment, all I can give you is this."

He looks directly into the camera now and says with a soft smile, "I love you, Evan. And I'm so sorry I had to leave."

A wounded cry winds out of Buck's throat. He throws himself to the ground and screams his pain into the world. He is crying like a child, sobbing loudly and heaving for breath. It isn't fair. All this wasted time, all the missed opportunities. It just isn't fair!

Buck cries and cries and he knows he's hyperventilating.

"Why didn't you tell me?!" he screams and reaches out to touch Eddie's face on the screen. "I love you, too, you idiot!!!"

Buck doesn't get up from the floor for the rest of the night.

Buck feels tired. That's all he feels anymore. Tired and lonely. He drags himself through the days. He leaves the house for work, goes to the grocery store. Other than that, he stays at his apartment. Doesn't go out, doesn't meet anyone. Maddie calls him every day, begs him to see a therapist. Chim comes by with a different movie every weekend. Hen forces him to go to a bar or a restaurant every once in a while. Bobby and Athena invite him to dinner every week. Buck knows they worry, knows they only want to help. He wishes they wouldn’t. He doesn't want their help. He doesn't want to feel better. Feeling better would mean getting over Eddie, leaving him behind, and Buck doesn't want that. He doesn't want to let his best friend go. Isn't ready to live his life without him. He slowly makes his way up the stairs, Chinese takeout under his arm that's probably going to end up in the fridge until Buck either forces himself to eat or has to throw it away. Rummaging in his pockets for his keys, he can hear voices through the door. Did he leave the TV on? When he finally finds the damn keys and opens the door, he's greeted by the sight of his friends gathered around the kitchen table. Buck stops, takes the scene in for a moment. He has an inkling what this is and he doesn't like it one bit.

"What are you doing here?"

Maddie, who has a key and probably let the others and herself in, comes over to him.

She hugs him and says, "We need to talk, Buck."

Buck grimaces and frees himself from her embrace.

She joins the others at the table and waits for him to do the same. He doesn't, opts for leaning against the kitchen island and crosses his arms.

"So?"

They all exchange a look and Maddie starts talking again.

"Buck, you know we all love you and want only what is best for you."

He nods. Of course he knows that. Doesn't change anything.

"Which is why this needs to stop."

"What exactly?" he asks with a cold voice that makes Maddie flinch.

Chim jumps in

"You holing up in here and letting your life fly by."

He levels his hard stare on Chim.

"Do you expect me to just move on like nothing happened? Like my best friend isn't dead? Or should I just forget about him? Oh well, we had a great time, but he's gone now, nothing you can do, life goes on?! Is that it?"

"Of course not, Buck," Bobby chips in. "You're allowed to grief and I'm the last person to tell you how to do that. But let me tell you from experience that you can't go on like this. You need to try or it will never get better. It's hard, I know that, but excepting help is the first step."

"What if I don't want to move on? What if I want to live like this?"

"Buckaroo, this is not living, it's existing. Sooner or later it will break you," Athena says in a gentle voice Buck has never heard her use before. He snorts. He is already broken. There is nothing in him that could break any more.

"It's been six months, Buck," Hen says.

That sends him over he top. Hot rage bubbles up inside him and he yells at her, "SO WHAT? DOESN'T MATTER IF IT'S SIX MONTHS OR SIX YEARS! EDDIE IS STILL DEAD!"

He starts crying.

"He's dead and I don't want to be without him."

Maddie hurries over to him, pulls him into her arms.

"I know, Buck, I know. But you have to learn to live without him."

He's crying harder now and shakes his head. No! He doesn't want to. He can't.

The others come over to him to comfort him.

"Eddie would want you to move on. To be happy again. You know that."

That is a slap to the face. Buck untangles himself from them and backs away until he hits the countertop.

"He doesn't get to have an opinion. He died! He left me," he snarls at them. "It doesn't matter what he would've wanted, because he's gone! I lost the love of my life and if you can't understand what that means, if you can't understand that I won't be getting over that, ever, than you better leave."

They stare at him in shock. He can practically see the gears in their heads turning as they finally, finally begin to understand what Eddie meant to him. As they understand how much Buck loved him and what losing him did to him.

Buck can't stand their looks. Can't stand stand the pity, the shock in their eyes.

"I mean it. Just go. GO!"

He yells again and points at the door. One after another they leave. Maddie wants to hug him, but Chimney shakes his head and pulls her away. When the door closes behind them, Buck falls to the ground.

Fire is raging around him. There's smoke everywhere, he barely sees anything. But he knows there is still someone in the back room. He needs to get to them. Needs to get them out.

"Buck!" Bobby yells at him over the radio. "Evacuate now. That's an order!"

"Two more minutes, Cap. I know I can make it," he yells back with some of his old reckless abandon.

_"Buck,"_ he hears Eddie's voice, _"you get out of there now or I swear to God I'm gonna kill you myself!"_

Buck smiles despite the danger he's in. Hearing Eddie is always a comfort to him, even if it is only in his head.

Just a few more steps and he's there.

A loud crack distracts him. The last thing he sees is a beam crashing down on him before everything turns black.

Buck wakes up with the headache of the century. Groaning, he opens his eyes only to scrunch them shut again. The light hurts and quadruples his headache.

"Fuck my life," he mumbles and wants to fall back into unconsciousness. A snicker on his right prevents him from that. Blinking, he turns his head and sees Christopher sitting beside his bed. A hospital bed Buck notes in passing.

"Hey, buddy, what are you doing here?"

Chris smiles his toothy smile and Buck realizes with a pang how much he misses having him around.

"You got hurt and I came to cheer you up." He lifts the paper from the table in front of him and shows it to Buck.

"I'm drawing you a picture."

Buck swallows. "Thanks, bud, I'm feeling better already."

"It's not finished yet," he explains seriously and picks up another crayon.

Buck watches him draw with a full heart and thanks Chris's grandparents in his head for coming all the way from El Paso.

Speaking of which.

"Hey, buddy, where are your grandparents?"

Chris looks at him funnily, but answers him anyway, "At home, I guess."

Probably at Abuela's then. Which means she must've brought Christopher to the hospital to see him. He's about to ask after her, when Chris says, "We wanted to visit them next week, but Dad says he can't leave you alone or you might do something stupid again."

What?

Before Buck can ask what the hell Chris is talking about there is a voice coming from the door.

"Look who decided to finally join the land of the living again."

Buck's head whips around so fast that he gets a crick in his neck. His brain comes to a screeching halt as he tries to process what he sees.

"Eddie," he croaks.

Eddie crosses the room like nothing happened. Like he hasn't just risen from the dead. He puts the cup of coffee and the apple juice for Chris down on the table.

"How are you feeling? The doctors said you're the luckiest bastard in the world that the beam didn't do any serious damage."

Buck stares at him silently. Waits for this hallucination to vanish into thin air and leave him behind again.

His friend looks at him with worried eyes and reaches out a hand to rest on his forehead, checking his temperature.

"You feel okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

His hand touches his skin and shocks Buck into motion. He can feel his hand, which means this is not a hallucination. This is real. However impossible it may seem.

"Eddie," Buck cries and launches himself out of the bed.

Eddie barely manages to catch him.

"Whoa, slow down, Buck. You hit your head pretty hard, you shouldn't get up yet."

Buck doesn't listen. He clings to Eddie like his life depends on it and sobs violently into his chest.

"You're here," Buck cries. "You're really here."

"Of course I'm here. Where else would I be?" Eddie says confused, but doesn't let go of Buck and wraps his arms around him.

"Dad, what's going on? Is Buck in pain?"

"I don't think so, mijo. He's just exhausted. Why don't you go outside and tell the others that he woke up?"

"Okay."

Buck hears Chris fumble with his crutches and the clicking they make on the ground when he walks.

When the door closes behind him, Eddie gently settles Buck back on the bed.

He moves to sit on a chair, but Buck isn't ready to let him go.

"No, don't," he pleads desperately.

He grabs Eddie's arm, his fingers digging painfully into the flesh.

"I'm right here, okay?" Eddie reassures him as he sits down at the edge of the bed. "Not going anywhere."

"You're alive," Buck manages to get out before a fresh wave of tears hit him.

Eddie stares at him in worry and puts a hand on his cheek, brushing the tears away with his thumb.

"Of course I'm alive. I'm not the one who got trapped in a burning building and got knocked out by falling debris."

"But...the well...the boy you saved..."

Now Eddie looks really worried.

"Buck, that was months ago. And I'm fine. I got out."

Buck shakes his head. How can that be? He held Eddie's body, he was at his funeral, he...

"Hey, Buck, look at me. Look at me."

Eddie tries to get his attention as Buck's thoughts spiral out of control. Buck forces himself to focus.

"It was a dream, okay? Whatever you think happened to me, wasn't real, okay? Just a nightmare. That's all."

A dream? It felt so real. Still does. Buck can still feel the pain clinging to his bones. How could all that be just a figment of his imagination?

But Eddie is here. Right in front of him. He's alive and breathing and Buck didn't lose him.

"I'm gonna find a doctor, okay? They should..."

Buck doesn't let him finish. He grabs Eddie by the shirt and kisses him breathless.

Eddie is frozen in shock for a moment before he kisses him back.

They have to part for air at some point, both panting hard as they rest their foreheads together.

"What's gotten into you?" Eddie asks hoarsely.

"I'm done wasting any more time. I love you, Eddie. And I want to spent the rest of my life with you."

Eddie is rendered speechless for a moment. Then, a blinding smile breaks out on his face, warming Buck's heart and burning all the pain away.

"I love you, too, Evan."


End file.
